Now I crawl bedraggled from the darkness, disorientated.after months of physical and mental turmoil.
But I am ok.
I feel like myself, only ….
something has gone..
The frustration and the anger have gone.
The anxiety is receding.
I have an awareness of time not mattering so much.
I slowly come to trust myself again.
I am constantly moving from a state of harmony and balance to crisis point, collapse, acceptance, growth,and back to balance. I see the pattern now. As I see myself heading towards crisis again, I think that I can handle it this time, that I know what to expect.
But I don’t
It is never how I expect it to be.
I never expect to sabotage myself, I never expect how hard I will fight myself for each step forward.
I never expect to feel so lost, so lonely, so utterly despairing,
I never expect how tightly I will grip to the old unhealthy ways.
I never expect the ensuing gut wrenching anxiety,
the feeling of not know myself,
not trusting myself,
of falling into a dark pit
and not knowing how to get out…
out of the depths of myself
I never expect it to be this hard.
I never expect it to break me.
But it does.
It has to.
I have to bleach my bones clean and build myself up without all that crap I was carrying about
Otherwise, how could I grow?
And while I am falling apart, I feel the expectations to continue as before.
I want to leave all the ordinary days behind and go away and give myself the space to fall apart openly and scream out my anguish.
But I can see no way to do it.
And I resect the day to day because it is getting in the way, and I am constantly frustrated and overwhelmed.
And it is then that my body gives in.
And I have to stop and breathe and prioritise the essential tasks, and ask for help, and count my blessings.
And all the expectations change as my reality shifts.
And slowly I emerge again and tentatively flex my wings and take in my new reality. … my focus shifts from the inner turmoil to the daily tasks of caring, and I remember the importance of this, the work before me.
The importance of tending the ways, the ways of my ancestors of old, the ways of my women before me.
And I am in the moment again.
And I am at peace with myself.
Right now these small daily tasks are the work in front in me, the work that has been provided for my growth and instead of waiting for an epiphany or bemoaning my lack of time to immerse myself in my spiritual growth, I just keep doing the work in front of me.
And I am grateful for the work.
And grateful that I can do it.
Because this all that is required.
The acceptance of now as it is.
Because the extraordinary is actually very ordinary and the big life changes are shifts in perspective.
And I enjoy this for now.
Because I know I’ll be going around the spiral again soon….