In Gratitute

 

Today I want to express my gratitude to all the autistic people who share their stories: through books, blogs, videos, articles, cartoons, interviews, chat pages,support groups, and to those who ‘like’ and comment.

Thank you wonderful people.

Your stories helped me see my life experience as valid and not flawed.

Your words gave me scripts that for once rang true to me..

You helped set me to set myself free.

A thousand times, thank you.

 

This Evenings Uncensored Random Thoughts

I am not a robot

I do more than process

and integrate

I am not a set of skills

or deficits

I am part of this

complex web of life

I am complicated

and messy

and ever changing

and organic

I am intimately inhabiting this piece of earth

that is my body

I am a piece of the whole

I fit perfectly

I have unique gifts

I am both ordinary and extraordinary

I inhabit many realities

I see through illusion

I am way with the fairies

and that is no bad thing.

Trust

Trust

 

I will remember to trust .

 

To trust your journey

To trust my journey

And to know that

While we walk together now,

They are different journeys.

 

I will remember to trust in your ability

To know your own needs

And to help you get those needs met.

 

I will remember to trust that you will learn What you need, when you need it

On your own schedule

In your own way

And I will remember to put my expectations aside.

 

I will remember to trust that you will know

What is good for you,

What you have had enough of and

What makes your soul sing.

And I will remember to listen.

 

I will remember to trust in myself

To trust in my gut feeling when my head is having a freak out.

 

I will strive to be always worthy of your trust.

I will remember that what I say to you will become part of your inner dialogue

And I will hope that my trust in you will

Help you to trust in yourself.

 

I will remember that the most important thing in our relationship is to build trust.

Adulting

Yesterday I did great

 

I whizzed around

the shopping centre

 

I participated

in a women’s group.

 

I listened.

I shared.

 

I did awesome at Adulting.

 

then I came home

 

and had a foot stomping

meltdown

in front of the kids.

 

there was no shame,

this time,

just an explanation:

 

mummy gets full

and explodes

too.

 
because she is an autistic human.

Being Autistic

 

Dear friend

 

I would like to share some of what it means for me to be Autistic, and how it can affect our relationship…

 

I would like to communicate kindly with you and it pains me that at times my communication may unintentionally offend. Please know that you are dear to me and that any perceived slights are due to my different way of communicating rather than an intended personal insult to you. I want to be kind.

 

I cannot read faces well…or non verbal communication….please tell me in words what you need me to know

 

I get overwhelmed easily…..one question at a time please

 

I process deeply……which means I sometimes have difficulty responding quickly….but my response, when it comes, is usually well thought out

 

I get anxious……a lot

 

I find many sounds and smells overwhelming to the point where I may have to leave

 

I pick up on energy…….if you are totally stressed but telling me you are fine…I may become overwhelmed trying to figure out how to react to you

 

I can feel when I am being coerced or controlled and I do not like it.

 

I do not do small talk…….or rather, I do it badly

 

I like deep meaningful one to one conversations.

 

I get distracted by sounds, smells, details and I may wander off (physically or mentally) .

 

I am often unable to verbalise my thoughts as they are too big and complex for mere words.

 

I sometimes don’t realise when it is my turn to talk or listen or if a conversation is over or how to end it.

 

I often sympathise/empathise by sharing a similar experience of my own. This is intended as a to a way to connect.

 

I connect best with others through shared interests and experiences.

 

My frame of reference is my own experience so I may refer to it a lot in conversation.

 

I ask questions because I genuinely am interested in what you are telling me and want more information.

 

I can get distressed when I am unable to to follow the thread of a conversation or read the people involved.

 

I have difficulty knowing how another person perceives me ….if they like me or are just being ‘polite’…. . if we are friends or just acquaintances……

 

I have difficulty discerning another’s intentions…..

 

I am really smart…….and I can be very naive

 

I like to socialise…..but I find it tiring. I need time to recharge.

 

I can find a change of plan difficult to cope with initially. …..give me some time please.

 

I like things to be done consistently……spontaneity doesn’t always work for me.

 

And like you, I am human, in all the messy gloriousness of it. I feel, I hurt, I love, I need,

Thank you for being part of my life.

 

 

 

 

 

The Spiral

 

Now I crawl bedraggled from the darkness, disorientated.after months of physical and mental turmoil.

 

But I am ok.

 

I feel like myself, only ….

 

something has gone..

 

The frustration and the anger have gone.

 

The anxiety is receding.

 

I have an awareness of time not mattering so much.

 

I slowly come to trust myself again.

 

I am constantly moving from a state of harmony and balance to crisis point, collapse, acceptance,  growth,and back to balance. I see the pattern now. As I see myself heading towards crisis again, I think that I can handle it this time, that I know what to expect.

 

But I don’t

 

It is never how I expect it to be.

 

I never expect to sabotage myself, I never expect how hard I will fight myself for each step forward.

 

I never expect to feel so lost, so lonely, so utterly despairing,

 

I never expect how tightly I will grip to the old unhealthy ways.

 

I never expect the ensuing gut wrenching anxiety,

 

the feeling of not know myself,

 

not trusting myself,

 

of falling into a dark pit

 

and not knowing how to get out…

 

out of the depths of myself

 

 

I never expect it to be this hard.

 

I never expect it to break me.

 

But it does.

 

Everytime.

 

It has to.

 

I have to bleach my bones clean and build myself up without all that crap I was carrying about

 

Otherwise, how could I grow?

 

And while I am falling apart, I feel the expectations to continue as before.

 

Yet;

 

I want to leave all the ordinary days behind and go away and give myself the space to fall apart openly and scream out my anguish.

 

But I can see no way to do it.

 

And I resect the day to day because it is getting in the way, and I am constantly frustrated and overwhelmed.

 

And it is then that my body gives in.

 

And I have to stop and breathe and prioritise the essential tasks, and ask for help, and count my blessings.

 

And all the expectations change as my reality shifts.

 

And slowly I emerge again and tentatively flex my wings and take in my new reality. … my focus shifts from the inner turmoil to the daily tasks of caring, and I remember the importance of this, the work before me.

The importance of tending the ways, the ways of my ancestors of old, the ways of my women before me.

 

And I am in the moment again.

 

And I am at peace with myself.

Right now these small daily tasks are the work in front in me, the work that has been provided for my growth and instead of waiting for an epiphany or bemoaning my lack of time to immerse myself in my spiritual growth, I just keep doing the work in front of me.

 

And I am grateful for the work.

 

And grateful that I can do it.

 

Because this all that is required.

 

The acceptance of now as it is.

 

Because the extraordinary is actually very ordinary and the big life changes are shifts in perspective.

 

 

And I enjoy this for now.

 

Because I know I’ll be going around the spiral again soon….

Look Me in the Eye

Do you really want me to make eye contact?

 

Are you sure?

 

You want to check that I am listening

That I am paying attention.

 

I am.

 

But you insist that I look into your eyes.

 

You say it is rude not to.

 

Do you know why I won’t?

 

Why it is so difficult?

 

Why this is not just a social nicety for me?

 

 

 

I can see into your soul.

I can see your demons.

Your fears.

I see behind the mask.

I see the pain.

I see you scream on the inside.

 

 

Now…

Are you sure you want me to look into your eyes?